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Friday, October 13, 2017

A message to those who are closest to me!

As I have started this new journey it just happens to coincide with more events going on in my life. These things range from medical to family and job. I am fairly certain I have reached out to many of you whom I'd call closest to me, so you are aware of what's going on more so than what I have voiced on social media. I'm still unsure to what extent some of you think this has affected me.

I'm strong and I fight and over come a lot. I currently feel weak and I'm in search of comfort and guidance and compassion and understanding and support from those who I know I can count on. I'm hoping that those of you who believe you are close enough to be in one of those roles, that you will reach out with your love and support. It's not easy to ask others for help or admit you need help. So I am just telling all of you who care, sometimes a person needs help.

Sometimes we may not know how to ask for it. Other times we may not really understand what form that help is best provided. I know over this past year I have learned a lot about owning my feelings. I have learned a lot about not fearing when I am falling apart and just reach out to lean on my loved ones.

I currently feel like I am alone, I know I am not. However, I feel that way regardless. I don't know if anyone really understands how I feel and how stressed out I am. From day to day I am wondering how much longer my body will keep going. If the next time I bend over will be the last time I do so without being able to stand back up straight. I'm worried about financial situations and maintaining my job. The holidays coming up and keeping my home in order and not allowing my family to fall apart while all the stress surrounds us.

I probably worry more than I need to, but I have a kid going through something tremendously difficult, my health issues, a fiancé with health issues and in need of surgery. I can't help but worry. I am trying to take care of everyone including my children's mawmaw who has nobody else and another child that needs mom to be there too.

This is a lot to talk about, but AS is enough in itself to cause depression which I do have, just not as severe as it once was. It also causes anxiety, and all this has that triggered even worse. Then to top it off I am battling an upper respiratory infection that is knocking me for a loop. I'm depleted and run down and trying to go and go and I just don't have much to left.

My body needs sleep, I need comfort. I want momma to hold me and tell me it's all gonna be okay. I want daddy to hug me and show me I'm safe and secure. I need an out pouring of love to lift me up because I am just falling to my depression and anxiety. I need my support system by my side. It's crazy but this is my life, I get weak and sometimes I need you. All of you. Each one of you fill a role and help me stay balanced and in track.

It's not fun living a life of suffering everyday. Especially when those days get the best of you. I'm scared and I feel alone. So I'm just sharing a more deep and personal side of how this all affects me daily. It's a scary world and it's a painful world. One full of criticism and lack of compassion. So I'm hoping this does not fall on deaf ears and that everyone just stay a little more in time to what your loved ones might need.


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