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Thursday, February 22, 2018

If I could write a letter

Does a letter really make it better

Have you ever just sat and wrote a letter? One that you know will never be read? How did it make you feel? Writing has always been something that gave me some form of relief. Maybe it’s because I’m getting my thoughts out and no longer weighed down by them. That’s kind of where I am at tonight. I will say this, I honestly have no idea where this will go, but I need to write. Sometimes I feel like the most selfish person ever for needing or wanting to talk about my life. I completely understand that so many people in this world have it a million times worse than I do, and that’s why I feel so torn right now.

If only a hug could make it all better

When we are little, momma can fix anything. Just a hug and a kiss fixed the bumps and scrapes. The tears got wiped away and you ran back off to play. If you didn’t feel good, you can bet that momma would be there. Then one day we grow up and it seems we don’t need our parents anymore. We become parents and it’s our turn to fix all the aches and pains of the world. What happens when you need the comfort of that hug as an adult? Most of us would have our spouses to lean on. Some have incredible children who take on the weight of the world to care for another. Siblings and even friends can be a source of great relief. Other moments we are just completely alone.

How do we decide what’s too much or too little

Many times people in our lives don’t know how to respond. If you have a concern are you just exaggerating things, or is it more serious than you are letting on? I am facing my own inner struggles, so how on earth would I expect anyone else to really understand it? Am I supposed to act like it’s no big deal or do I need to push for better medical understanding? Truthfully all the things that happen to my body make no sense to me at all. I feel crazy saying it, so I know others must think that. Maybe I am over thinking things, but how do you not have questions when your body decides to react negatively. At what moment is the line drawn in the sand? I don’t recall anyone handing me a guidebook that says what to expect or how to deal with it.

My life was headed one way, then suddenly it wasn’t 

For eleven years my job has been more than just a job, it’s been part of who I am. I had dreams and goals and success. Now, my life is on a very different track. I feel as though I lost a part of me, and suddenly I’m left searching for this piece that’s missing. Then my health comes into play, and I have to face how very different I may need my career to be, understanding that it’s very possible I’ll never work in the same field, or if I do it will be very different. Why on earth is it so hard to let go of something as trivial as a job? How is it that I feel I’m supposed to be this person, but my body doesn’t want to allow it, or pure dumb luck gets in the way? Sadly tonight I have a million wishes, and tonight my questions go without answers. Tonight I lay my head down without the comfort or reassurance that everything will workout. Tonight, my dreams of kicking AS are just dreams, and my reality is that it might just be my defeat.

Until next time.......always try to Kick Some AS!!

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