The Road I have Traveled Down
I once viewed my life very differently than I do now. I was the skeptical girl always asking “WHY ME?” I never understood that you truly do have control over how good or bad your life may be. I did a lot of negative thinking for many years. This allowed me to feel as though I didn’t deserve better, I wasn’t good enough, and that I never measured up to what others wanted me to be. It took 35 years for me to understand that I don’t have to measure up to anyone’s standards, I am allowed to just be me regardless of others approval. Now, that having been said, I changed a lot of things about how I lived my life in the last two and a half years.
I used to be the girl who always knew her relationship would eventually fail, or that my friendships wouldn’t last. I was the girl that knew I’d push the most important people out of my life, because I couldn’t face not being who I thought they wanted me to be. I pushed away for fear of disappointment. The way I looked at it, I was just going to screw up again anyway, so why even try to do anything different.
Silence Isn’t For Suffering
I suffer in silence, I hear that phrase a lot! Especially in the world of AS, where we keep our pain silent everyday. However, I am a lover of the outdoors, the beauty of nature, the tranquility of a peaceful mountain retreat. Silence wasn’t meant for suffering, it was meant for much greater things. I choose to no longer suffer in silence, I wear all my pain as a badge of honor. I share those parts of me that are dark and ugly with everyone in my world. I choose who gets introduced and when. I solely decide how each and every person gets to be connected to those deeper parts of me.
I will no longer fear if I am meeting the expectations of others. I share my thoughts and I share my stories, I grow every day as I do this. In the beginning it was harder than I ever imagined it to be. I did A LOT of crying. I dreaded moments because they would make me uncomfortable, I hated bearing myself to others in that way. I have tried to run from this new and unusual feeling on several occasions. It took a lot of work, to get where I am today.
Learning Your Place In This World
Over the course of these past few years, I was faced with a drastic and very painful change in my family structure, leaving an abusive relationship, then stepping out unsure of the world into my own home for the first time ever. A huge transition with work, that ended up being one of the best experiences I have ever had. Watching my family suffer losing a loved one to addiction, and keeping those family bonds from falling apart after that. Then another sudden blow that financially changed my life with a negative impact.
Through all of this, I gained so much strength from my biggest supporters ever. Previous co-workers, newly found friends, family that I was gaining stronger relationships with and little did I know it was all leading me to a better tomorrow. I have balanced myself out more mentally in the past 6 months of my life, than I ever dreamed of. I thought I was honestly so very happy, just being me and growing all on my own. I was persistent about not allowing anyone into my personal bubble, nobody was allowed to connect with me in a way that would alter my desire to continue growing as the person I am becoming.
Fall Into Me
I struggled with health, and mental instability as I was depressed, stressed out and angry so much. Some very amazing friends changed all of that and I found my voice and strength to fight and simply meet my very own expectations. I was told by someone to “Get My Butt Up And On A Trail.” This moment, changed my life in a way I never expected.
I shortly after met the most amazing group of ladies that became my personal therapy group. These ladies provide so much bravery, strength, support, love and companionship. They are all true Fierce Independent ladies. The same friend that pushed me out of my bed and made me get moving on the trails, is the very same reason I sit her writing this now. He has been an amazing friend, mentor and support to me over these past months. He not only encouraged me for the mental safety, but for everything. I have outstanding friendships, new job, and relationship all because he inspired me To Do More, Be More.
With the support and encouragement from these great blessing, I have gained confidence and pride. I no longer fear what’s to come in life, because I know now that I can “Fall Into” someone who will always be there. I no longer feel that I have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I have family, friends and co-workers that I know can catch me when the ground beneath me crumbles away.
Not Perfect, Just Perfectly Me
I know that I will never be perfect, but I don’t want to be anymore! I am happy to just be who I want to be. I am someone’s forever, mother, daughter, sister, aunt and friend. Forever those titles belong to me, because I learned to love myself, I found someone to forever love me! Like the great and wonderful RuPaul says, “If you cant love yourself, how the hell ya gonna love anyone else?” I honestly was given blessings in disguise. When I closed the door of one loved one passing away, he sent me a multitude of angles to guide me along my way. I truly believe that all of this is for greater purpose, it has meaning I am yet to understand.v I am ready to face this grand adventure head on!